is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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