Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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