I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
i think we sleep fucked last night...
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
