Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Randomize
