A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
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