i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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