I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Randomize
