my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
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