Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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