Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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