Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
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