what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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