Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
