Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
i think i have herpe
just one?
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
