I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize
