and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Woke up backwards on a recliner
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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