Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
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