I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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