watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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