my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
