I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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