i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
