It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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