That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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