I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
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