Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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