Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
You were trust falling into bushes
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
