The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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