Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Randomize
