Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Randomize
