my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Randomize
