The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
