sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
