I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
