Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
