My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
