I want you more than these girls want KFC
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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