I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
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