You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
