Someone shit on the floor
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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