Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
