Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
This is the prime rib incident all over again
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Randomize
