i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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