You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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