Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
We left an ass print on the piano.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
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