Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
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