Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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