I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
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