I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
