Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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