so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
