So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
