Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I hope mine doesn't look like that
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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