I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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