My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
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