my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
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